What Is Needed… Hope, Love, Faith

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“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing.”

While reading a book of essays from Andre Dubus, I happened upon a piece of advice given him that has stayed with me, “don’t think about what you want; think about what you need.” And what you need is to a very large extent what you have at this moment. But we go around in such denial as to accepting what we already have. We always want something else in lieu of what we need. And if you get your heart’s desire? It ends up like a toy a child begs for only to become bored with. What you need you don’t even want to think about much less want.

And what knows better as to what’s needed then the soul, this stretched and torn mystery that rips us apart as it heals us spiritually? The soul knows for it is wise having traversed the universe many times over to find its destination in you. For if we are nothing else, we’re indeed a soulful bunch of misfits and to deny the soul and its yearning is to live as a man who’s half alive. We’re drawn towards others in inklings of love manifesting itself as friendship or romance and no matter which of these is discarded; they each leave a mark on our consciousness. It’s as though in the torment of such relationships we can feel the soul-churning like butter only to eventually settle into a form that brings an uneasy peace, yes another battle is over, not won or lost, just needed. And I feel myself grow.

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“Wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting.”

For the first time, I feel the acceptance of the twisted path in which love has kidnapped my heart and impressed on me to go the distance of not wanting. I feel a sweet abandonment from wanting and wonderment of what the soul in its language of intuition dictates I need. My newfound ability is to live truly in the moment without a thought for what I feel I may want.

I read somewhere that one should take small trips into the future and I will follow this advice, for what I really need is here standing without hope of some illustrious future of which society may set my goals… “To wait without expectation”, as T.S Eliot wrote. For all I need is the soul full of grace, immersed in divine love to set sail, to act as my guide. The soul in its wisdom gives you the keys and lets you dictate the next step. Only by deep listening do we get it right. This is the lasting part of the equation, the part that stays with us no matter the outcome. For what I want is not always what I need and what I need is not always what I want but sometimes when I get it right, my wanting is my needing.

“Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

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*Photos courtesy of Stock Snap

*Excerps T.S. Eliot, East Coker

Farewell Bohemia

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“I’ve never known a writer who didn’t feel ill at ease in the world. … We all feel un-housed in some sense. That’s part of why we write. We feel we don’t fit in, that this world is not our world, that though we may move in it, we’re not of it. … You don’t need to write a novel if you feel at home in the world.” -Andrea Barrett Continue reading Farewell Bohemia

Morning Dew

H8YIGREUXVThe setting sun seemed to linger for one last glimpse over the horizon. In his solitude, looking out toward the hemisphere our Pilgrim could see the two brightest stars of Orion along the celestial equator, Rigel, and Betelgeuse. The expanse of open sky looked as though it contained every constellation in existence, lassoed and corralled in the heavens above. Our Pilgrim seemed to not have a care in the world, just he and the starry sky above… and the moral law of Kant. It is many who don’t realize these magical moments where the earth and sky seem to touch the setting sun and all is one. It was then after a short meditation he recited a poem written for his Lady and all lovers separated on this day. Continue reading Morning Dew

Reflextions On A Train In The Night

fog-1984057_640“…but I preferred reading the American landscape as we went along. Every bump, rise, and stretch in it mystified my longing.”
– Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Trains, the hypnotic sound of steel upon steel, a lonesome whistle crying through the night. All who take this journey have a story to tell. It’s the road taken, an enigma, even after all these years… I’ve stopped trying to understand it’s wanting Continue reading Reflextions On A Train In The Night

Private Tremors of the Frozen Man

“Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”
-Eckhart Tolle.

It’s been some time since I’ve written about Parkinson’s disease. Not that it stocksnap_xdc3h2ph0y-1_optdoesn’t want to be heard as it does make itself known but I tend not to give it a voice and I really should give it it’s due for awareness is the best medicine. This post also comes as a special request. So to my benefactors, here goes.

As with many other disorders, especially cognitive, outside appearances can take on an air of normalcy, like nothing is wrong. But as in the adage, don’t judge a book by its cover, don’t judge a Parkie just by Tremor. There’s more that goes on than one wants to admit, hidden in the depths of a brain running low on dopamine. Continue reading Private Tremors of the Frozen Man

01/20/17… The Day The Music Died

ROZ6I3LEBWAnd as I watched him on the stage, my hands were clenched in fisted rage
No angel born in hell could break that Satan’s spell.
So bye bye Miss American Pie
-Don Mclean

As rabid dogs and swine are digging a new swamp on hallowed ground
While the goats feed on every word of twitter’s class clown
In Russia, they celebrate for they voted too
And in London and Paris, Berlin and Madrid and all across the pond
They sing ”madman across the water” for me and for you. Continue reading 01/20/17… The Day The Music Died

Onward To the Palace of Wisdom- Love, Pt. 4

coat-42063_1280“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket– safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable.  –C.S. Lewis (from The Four Loves) Continue reading Onward To the Palace of Wisdom- Love, Pt. 4

Inside Ludwig

stocksnap_5orw0dpir5_optI love listening to Beethoven. His 6th Symphony, The Pastoral is like the mind together with the heart and soul on a holiday out into the countryside on a summer day. Equally moving is the second movement of the 7th Symphony. The opening segment reminds me of a dirge which subtly builds upon itself into streaming lights of resolve and Continue reading Inside Ludwig

Time Out of Mind

stocksnap_e1c68e9513_opt“To be is to be perceived.”
-George Berkeley

It’s that time again, the preeminent renewal point for the cycle of time as we know it, the new year. We see Father Time, elderly and bearded, on his one-way journey across times labyrinth, scythe and hourglass in hand. Not far behind is Baby New Year Continue reading Time Out of Mind

Good Tidings of Perfect Light

stocksnap_gs3optu2n4_opt-1If there is one person responsible for the modern version of Christmas we celebrate today, that person is Charles Dickens and the story that converged many rituals into one and reinvented the holiday we know today is A Christmas Carol.

For a story concerned with giving to others in compassion, goodwill, and charity Continue reading Good Tidings of Perfect Light