To the beach tonight, I long for the salty air. The sun has completed its’ days’ work, so Helios rein in your trusted steeds; the moons dance with the clouds has just begun or is it a game of hide and seek? A storm is brewing, falling in off the gulf, rain in the distance, moving from east to west of the jetty which extends out from the coast, penetrating and dividing the waves. The lightning, a spidery web of energy, electric veins of the night sky, counting the seconds when the thunder roars, 1001, 1002… the miles it must sprint until illuminations arrival. The waves are wanting of my feet as they melt into the sand; I see a path of light on the surface of the water, guided by the moon’s reflection. It disappears, comes back into play, a lot like you, coinciding with the rhythm of the moon and clouds, the light and dark, the sacred and profane… wild heaven and all it will allow.
“All in good time, the bad times will be gone, ” -Ron Sexsmith
By the summer of 2014, this was the state of my mental and physical condition. My tremor was still constant; it had not decreased or slowed down. Indeed my hand shock as much as it ever did. My movements were slower because I was more conscious of the way I moved. I could think now to pick up my feet, move my arms, and walk erect. But as you can imagine I felt awkward and looked the same. To walk and have to constantly be mindful of it; like remembering to breathe… stop and the outcome is not so good. Stop being mindful of my movements and down I go. Continue reading Part 9- Medications… All in Good Time
“In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks,” -John Muir
Fresh from my diagnosis in October of 2012 for Parkinson’s disease, I began a new life, one filled with the mystery of drugs. I say mystery because, before my diagnosis, aspirin was the most potent drug I had ever taken. Now I was to go on a learning spree of medications, side effects, and biology. And yes I had not favored science while in school so this education was a long time in coming. Everyone says you can’t escape; now it was all coming back to me.
Be a light unto oneself–The Buddha… Awareness is a state of mind in which the observer with its choice is not–Krishnamurti… History as a whole is a progressive, gradually self-disclosing revelation of the Absolute–Schelling… The secret of life is to be who you are, true to yourself– Joseph Campbell… The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul–Carl Jung… Life’s work, the study of things themselves in the streets of life in the night–Jack Kerouac…
And what is your favorite quote?
Another battle of the Heart versus the Head…
This should have been a day of joy and happiness… a celebration; but I chose not to attend and thus ruined the party for all concerned. Well, maybe not all concerned as some were glad the party didn’t take place at all.
But what do I feel and doesn’t it count for anything? That little intuition inside me kept saying, “no way, you can’t go through with this” even though I fought it tooth and nail out of fear that I was destroying a life. Better to ruin my life than another. Is that not the chivalrous thing to do?
What nonsense, cried our Pilgrim. Be true to thyself!
Yes, whispered the heart, fingers crossed, bowing slightly to the head. Likewise exclaimed the head winking back to the heart.
I was lying in bed one night and saw colors on the ceiling… colors in stripes of reds, blues, yellows and greens. The room was black so the tint of these colors was dark but distinctly each their own shade.
It was while I was considering the display on my ceiling that I first heard the music. My hands felt my ears for headphones, but I didn’t have any on. It was as though the sounds were coming from within me, from my being. And it was beautiful music; I kept thinking I’ve got to remember this melody. All the while I knew I was hallucinating, none of this was real. But the song was such that I couldn’t possibly want to forget it… as it was becoming fainter and fainter, floating away like a cloud and then it was gone along with the colors from above.
The darkest stretch of night is just before the dawn. So one cannot help but be enthralled by the silent majesty in a cold dark winters morning; Brother Moon sits overhead in a pool of stars with Venus, the Virgo queen, in her disguise as the morning star, hovering close behind just as the eastern horizon gives birth to the first panes of light emerging from the sun.
One such morning, I noticed a thin line of clouds that lay in the sky and as the new-born light appeared the clouds became a boundary between the light and the dark. It seemed I could have entered into each of these worlds upon request. And these same clouds turned a fiery orange as the corona of the sun crept into the horizon and seemed to burn away into the hemisphere.
I see poison arrows aimed towards me like the accusations that I can’t comprehend. I am dumbfounded as to their origin as I ask myself, “Why are they pointed at me?” So I become defensive and try to deflect even though I haven’t a clue as to why or where or when. I lose a piece of my soul with every explanation and every altercation. I am tearing myself apart. Until one day upon leaving without a key to return, I figure maybe this has nothing to do with me.
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde
“On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.” -Virginia Woolf
The program director for Raleigh Research called me up the other day and asked if I’d partake in a two-day overnight clinical trial to test a device which sticks to your skin much like a nicotine patch. It measures motor symptoms such as balance, stiffness and slow movement, to name a few, their decline is the result of Parkinson’s disease. But the most obvious motor symptom it will measure is ‘tremor’; the consistent uncontrollable shaking of one hand, as is the case with my right hand.
Continue reading Part 6- Tremor… I’m All Shook Up