“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing.”
While reading a book of essays from Andre Dubus, I happened upon a piece of advice given him that has stayed with me, “don’t think about what you want; think about what you need.” And what you need is to a very large extent what you have at this moment. But we go around in such denial as to accepting what we already have. We always want something else in lieu of what we need. And if you get your heart’s desire? It ends up like a toy a child begs for only to become bored with. What you need you don’t even want to think about much less want.
And what knows better as to what’s needed then the soul, this stretched and torn mystery that rips us apart as it heals us spiritually? The soul knows for it is wise having traversed the universe many times over to find its destination in you. For if we are nothing else, we’re indeed a soulful bunch of misfits and to deny the soul and its yearning is to live as a man who’s half alive. We’re drawn towards others in inklings of love manifesting itself as friendship or romance and no matter which of these is discarded; they each leave a mark on our consciousness. It’s as though in the torment of such relationships we can feel the soul-churning like butter only to eventually settle into a form that brings an uneasy peace, yes another battle is over, not won or lost, just needed. And I feel myself grow.
“Wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting.”
For the first time, I feel the acceptance of the twisted path in which love has kidnapped my heart and impressed on me to go the distance of not wanting. I feel a sweet abandonment from wanting and wonderment of what the soul in its language of intuition dictates I need. My newfound ability is to live truly in the moment without a thought for what I feel I may want.
I read somewhere that one should take small trips into the future and I will follow this advice, for what I really need is here standing without hope of some illustrious future of which society may set my goals… “To wait without expectation”, as T.S Eliot wrote. For all I need is the soul full of grace, immersed in divine love to set sail, to act as my guide. The soul in its wisdom gives you the keys and lets you dictate the next step. Only by deep listening do we get it right. This is the lasting part of the equation, the part that stays with us no matter the outcome. For what I want is not always what I need and what I need is not always what I want but sometimes when I get it right, my wanting is my needing.
“Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
*Photos courtesy of Stock Snap
*Excerps T.S. Eliot, East Coker